Do I have some kind of disorder?

There does appear to be some loneliness/depression issues. There is help for this, by way of mental health professionals. There also seems to be abit of self loathing dealing with poor self esteem. The fear of failure brings you back to never wanting to take some chances. The images of doing awful things to yourself is disturbing. Seek some professional help. It will go a long way in living a healthier life.