How many of you are true Christians?

I don't think any of you are real Christians, to be a real Christian you must handle snakes, hate s, go door-to-door like the Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons, roll-in-the sawdust, babble-in-tongues, rock back and forth with your eyes rolled back in your head, eschew card playing, eschew dancing, eschew Demon Rum, campaign for the prohibition of alcohol and other drugs, send the man on the TV your money, flog your children (and stone them if they object), make anti-Semitic remarks (ala Pat Robertson and Billy Graham), burn CDs (in the literal sense involving fire, not the sense of recording CDs) which spew Satanic messages (that you were explicitly looking for) when you play them backwards, watch for black helicopters, look for commies under every bed, preach that the UN is going to invade America, join a militia, take Harry Potter books out of schools, believe that your beliefs must be the law for everyone (because 'we' have to 'get right' with God), and believe that the existence of a single non-Christian anywhere in the world means that you're being oppressed.